Open Mike

I am not fat, I just have a small chest

I have felt very pudgy lately. You know, that beached whale feeling we tend to get. I blame my pregnancy on it. What else could it be. My wife is gaining weight with our baby and I am protruding forth like the great whale, Moby Dick.

I am feeling so heavy right now that I don't even want to get on a scale to see what I weigh.

I came to this realization of my enormous size the other day when I was walking past a store front window and saw my reflection in the glass. What I saw I didn't even recognize. Who was that person in the window? Seriously, though, I currently have the shape of a seven-to-eight month pregnant woman. It has to be the pregnancy. What else could it be? I can't be an out-of-weight slob.

But, in all honestly, this ghastly shape I have taken, which I mask cleverly with clothing and facial hair, has been coming for some time.

I can remember before I got married I was a slim 190 lbs., a dashing man, Clark Gable type complexion, complete with a full set of hair. I didn't have the massive, protruding belly that I do now. I secretly have this theory that women, when you first get together, only cook for you to fatten you up so no other person would want you. Tell me men if this is not true. Hasn't some of the best cooking you ever had in your relationship come right at the beginning. I mean, we ate like kings. That is just to bait us in. Now we are lucky to see one meal a day. We fall for it because women are naturally smarter than men.

So years pass and the pounds start adding on. One day, within a few months of the start of your relationship, you notice a belly forming. No matter what, you can't get rid of the pounds. They never go away, they haunt you for the rest of your life.

Sure, doctors will tell you it is metabolism and all those other hocus pocus voodoo medical terms as to why we don't lose the weight. But we know the true reasons as to why we don't lose the pounds, because when us men aren't doing the cooking our better half secretly puts something in our food that keeps us fat. Women are poisoning us men with the secret ingredient of love.

Women, though, get smart about it. They tell us the love handles spewing over the sides of our hips and forefront are cute. Women even grab them and give them a good yank, jokingly to make us feel good about ourselves. But deep down, we realize it is just part of their plot to control the world.

I have gained about 65 lbs. in 10 years of marriage. I can't get rid of it. I try. I never go above 255 lbs. and never below 250 lbs.

But I have come to a conclusion in this matter of obesity. I am not fat. I just have a small chest, complete with small arms and plump legs. Either that, or in about three months I should be back into dodge ball throwing shape after I have our baby.

. Mike Kantman can be contacted at (509) 837-4500, or email him at


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