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Open Mike

I forgot the first rule of marriage

Consider me the Dr. Phil of the Valley. This column and others I have written are just some of the tidbits I have learned about the fairer sex. So consider this my attempt to enlighten those young men who have yet to tie the knot.

Now, before I dive any further into this, ladies I just want to say, I am one of your biggest fans. I certainly love the ladies. So think of my column as a way of helping you ladies better train your men. It is my attempt to give them some insight, so they make your lives better. Remember, a trained man is a good man to have.

For someone who has been married for nearly 12 years you would think I would have known by now that I am never right. Men, you know what I am talking about, don't be afraid to speak up. Was there some hidden portion in the marriage vows that I didn't realize? Was there a part that said as husband you would never be right, even when you are right? I must have missed this part or else it is on the real small print of the marriage license.

For you unmarried men, you don't have a clue what I am talking about. There is a big difference between the world of boyfriend and girlfriend and husband and wife. You will find out in time. But us married men know all too well the fear we live in of trying to speak our minds.

I am not nearly as smart as some other married men. Other men have learned their place, knowing not to question the authoritarian rule of the opposite sex. But I on occasion enjoy stirring the pot. It provides some excitement in my otherwise drub day.

The first rule you have to realize as a married man is that you are never right. I mean, even when you are right, you are wrong. How many times fellows have we stated something we know as a fact to only have our significant other tell us we are wrong? I am telling you we could be talking about history and whip out a history book with the exact page number of what we are talking about and if our wife says something different, we better not argue.

Now all of us married men know what happens when we question authority. Your life will be a nightmare if your wife feels strong enough about it. Why do you think there are so many flower shops in business? It is not because of Mother's Day.

My favorite part, of I guess one would call it arguing, is when you agree with your wife and that still isn't good enough. Guys, how many times have we heard something to the effect that you are only agreeing with me because you don't want to argue? Or my personal favorite to hear is, whatever.

I also enjoy when you get so frustrated trying to make your point that you forget what you are arguing about. I know it is part of the opposite sex's master plan for world domination because they know us guys aren't nearly smart enough to comprehend what is going on.

Gents, the fun part about all of this is making up. Because if you make-up right you can score some major points with your significant other. So next time you are in an argument, just remember the fun part is yet to come.

And for you single chaps, just remember this as you think about entering into marriage, you are never right and you will never be right. So accept it and life will go a lot better.

And to my darling wife, don't think you don't have me trained, because you do. I just like to argue because I enjoy making up. Am I right or am I right?

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