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Gross Point Blank

Polly want a cracker?

She's jealous of me, and, as in the case of most irrational, jealous females, she's got no reason to be.

Trying to explain this to her is, of course, pointless.

For one thing, she has this wretched wail that doesn't let you get a word in edgewise. Secondly, she's a bird.

This situation with Emmit (those who like her call her Emmy) has been brewing for quite some time and finally came to out and out blows this past Wednesday. (Or would we call that fists and feathers?)

Over time, when I'd be in the house, relaxing in a chair, Emmit would stalk me, bobbing her evil little head up and down. She'd take slow dramatic steps towards me. I honestly believe animals have an instinct and know when they're getting to you.

Then, last week, as I was walking out the door, Emmit bit the back of my shoe.

Emmit's no parakeet, no cockatiel. She's a white umbrella parrot, with a huge, black, fear inducing beak and creepy long black talons.

Evidently, I didn't learn my lesson. I went back Wednesday for another little visit, and man, that bird had it all planned out.

Instead of stalking me from the floor, Emmit started slowly winding her way to the top of her cage (a cage that a parakeet would call a mansion). Unfortunately, I paid little attention--didn't even notice that for once, that bird wasn't wailing.

That's because the psycho little female was making big plans.

As my hand made contact with the doorknob, I heard a loud whooosh!

Ha! I've got instincts too and I immediately pulled my arms up around my ducked head.

She beaked me. The jerk beaked me!

Thankfully, no blood was shed. But this leads me to ask, "Now what?"

I enjoy my friendship with my pal, but am seriously rethinking visits to his house.

Oh, and son, remember when you told me Emmy tried to kill you and I rolled my eyes, blaming it on adolescent exaggeration?

Sorry about that!

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