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GROSS POINT BLANK

Mother's Day expectations

by Lynda Jo Gross

Mother's Day is Sunday and I've been wondering what lengths my 12-year-old is willing to go to make me happy.

After the usual fantasies of him mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, doing laundry, scouring the bathroom and ending each chore with "Anything else I can do for you, mom?," it occurred to me that I must be a pretty content person because I know in my heart I'm dreaming.

And the thought of Dennis doing any of the aforementioned activities with a smile on his face has me sitting at my desk stifling giggles.

In his defense, he did look at me all agog the other day and say, "What am I going to do for you on Mother's Day?!"

This is what I want, Dennis:

• Learn that "Because I said so" is where the conversation ends. For 12 years, you've asked me why and it's high time you throw your hands up in defeat.

• If I say "No" and you respond "OK" with an innocent little shrug of the shoulders, then I shall truly wonder if I'm mean and unfair.

• Learn to recognize the humor in being asked if so-and-so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too. That's just my way of saying, "No. Because I said so."

• Know that I really do have eyes in the back of my head. I developed them that very first time you even thought about copping an attitude when you were two.

• Next time you ask, "Mom? Can you find me two socks that match?", know that God gave you two eyes, two hands and you're on your own.

• You know the rule, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Know that this rule applies the first 15 minutes after you wake up in the morning.

• I know I pounded it into your head that you had to finish the food on your plate because there are people starving in third world countries. I have a confession to make. Know that I'm not shipping leftovers overseas to impoverished countries.

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