As your next president I promise to lower taxes and increase services. I'll get the troops home while maintaining stability in Iraq and taking on terrorists wherever they may lurk. America will wage war on the evil-doers without risking any American lives and we'll turn the whole world into capitalists who love democracy, Christianity and apple pie.
My administration will bring peace to the Middle East, end the genocide in Darfur and will create an Australia filled with funny people who act like Crocodile Dundee. Put me into the White House and I'll make traveling overseas exactly like visiting a foreign country's pavilion at Epcot Center.
Instead of vague disapproval, strange food and incomprehensible languages, the whole world will love us, speak English and serve variations on the buffalo wing. A visit to Italy will be like a trip to Olive Garden without the long wait for a table or difficulty finding a parking space.
With Daniel B. Kline as your president, nobody will go hungry and everyone will be thin. Baseball players will stop taking steroids and your hometown team will win the World Series.
Make me President of the United States and you'll never get sick again and if you are sick, I'll make you better. It will never rain as long as I'm in office, unless you live in one of those places that catch on fire, whereby it will rain occasionally.
I promise a chicken in every pot and if you don't like chicken, I'll get you a steak that fits in a pot. I'll even buy you a pot if you can't afford one and if you don't like pots, chickens or steaks, I'll get you something nice from Crate & Barrel.
Vote for me and I'll deliver eternal bliss, new episodes of your favorite TV show every night and a much better looking significant other than whoever you're with now. Pull that lever for my RepubloDemLiberServative Party and everyone will agree with you about everything and nothing bad will ever happen again.
How can I promise these things? You should ask yourself, how can any candidate who loves America not promise them?
Once in office, I'll make every American my MySpace friend and you'll all have my home number, which I promise to answer no matter when you call. The President of the United States works for you and I expect you to be a demanding boss - the type who makes me pick up his dry cleaning and ignore a little blatant sexual harassment.
You might consider these promises ridiculous and think me a fool, but show me the candidate currently running for President who won't say whatever it is you want to hear in order to win. The difference between me and Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thomson, Barack Obama and the rest of the clowns seeking the White House is that I'm smart enough to pander to everybody rather than just a particular group.
In reality, voting for me won't whiten your teeth, make you a millionaire or even do much to help the country. If elected I'd probably just spend a lot of time in the White House bowling alley while prank calling the leaders of lesser nations. Still, I'd probably do a lot less harm than most of the people who actually want the office.
My name is Daniel B. Kline and I approved this message.
Daniel B. Kline's new book, Easy Answers to Every Problem, can be ordered at amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com. Daniel B. Kline can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.