I'm fat again. Well maybe not fat-fat. But five pounds has become ten, and once again I'm toddling down the road toward portly.
But this time it's not my fault. I have just unearthed scientific evidence proving that it's not my love for Cheetos that's keeping me fat; it's the faulty neural pathways in my brain.
I know what you're thinking - excuses, excuses, excuses. And yes, I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds about 30 times, so it's not like I'm coming from a position of moral authority on this.
But hear me out. A layperson might think that the fact that I can't talk on the phone, watch TV, drive or handle an emotional crisis without sugar in my mouth is the problem.
However, I recently spoke to an expert who confirmed that my sloth-like habits aren't the real reason I battle the chubbies. My eating habits are merely symptoms of a larger problem, which is the way my brain is wired.
During my free introductory one-on-one with life and wellness coach Janice Taylor, author of "Our Lady of Weight Loss: Miraculous and Motivation Musing from the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat Removal," I learned that many humans - the annoying thin ones - believe that food is an appropriate response to hunger. However, my brain is wired to connect food with a whole plethora of emotional issues.
Bad day? I deserve chocolate and a martini. Just got in a fight with my kids? Nothing that a little cheesecake won't cure. Having fun at the pool party? Chips and a big burger will make it even better.
It doesn't matter what the occasion, I make the mental leap to food faster than you can say Pavlov's poodle.
According to Taylor (www.OurLadyofWeightLoss.com), I'm not only suffering from Mom Fat, the "I have to buy chicken nuggets and pizza because I have kids" syndrome, but I've also been so programmed to connect food with certain events and emotions that I have literally changed the physical wiring of my brain. The little paths in my mind that take me from stress (or pleasure or pain or boredom) to food have become so strong that they override my best dietary intentions.
I call it the "It wouldn't be a blank without blank" disorder. You know - it wouldn't be a birthday party, funeral, Friday night or Tuesday afternoon (fill in event here) without ice cream, tuna casserole, lasagna or Fritos (insert high-calorie food of your choice).
Taylor says, "We all have a 'stay fat' strategy," the drama our subconscious creates to justify our behavior. But she suggests, "Let's be honest, at least with ourselves.
"Are you baking cookies for your kids or so you can eat one?" she asks.
So how is an emotionally-wired drama queen like me supposed to change? Taylor, who lost 55 pounds herself seven years ago, reports, "Science used to think you couldn't change your brain, but now we know that when you create new neural pathways they eventually become more dominant."
The key, she said, is swapping negative habits and self-talk with something more positive. "Despair gives you the energy to start, but you can't stay hating yourself and give yourself the gift of weight loss."
So every day I'm telling my brain, "I deserve to be thin, I deserve to be thin."
It's working, but I'm still wondering when the little voice that says, "I deserve an Almond Joy" is going to shut up.
Lisa Earle McLeod is a keynote speaker, author and nationally syndicated columnist. Her books include "Forget Perfect" and "Finding Grace When You Can't Even Find Clean Underwear." Contact her at www.ForgetPerfect.com.