Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Yes, we did. Survived 2010. 365 tumultuous days of what my good friend Elizabeth (Betty) Windsor is wont to call an annus horribilis. And our reward for enduring that annoying annum is this clean slate of a new year where potentially anything can happen. A position we find ourselves now; looking flush-front blunt at an empty, unscrawled calendar embodying hope and optimism and aspiration and promise.
So now is the time for all good men to sweep away the debris of yesterday and build on the solid foundation of tomorrow. This sentiment guaranteed to last at least a week before we screw it up and all hell breaks loose. And with that thought in mind, here are: WILL DURST'S PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2011:
Incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner opens his first joint session of Congress with, "Alright, who wants a piece of me?"
North Korean President Kim Jong Il keeps lobbing bombs into South Korea until someone on his team develops a formula to spin turkey pot pies out of grass.
Sarah Palin tapes a second season of her reality show and accidentally shoots a Mama Grizzly from a helicopter.
The women on "The View" walk out during an appearance by Keith Olbermann, just to balance the books.
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward gets his life back and is not that crazy about it.
Lady Gaga wears a tinfoil dress to an NBA playoff game and spontaneously combusts during the pre-game laser show.
Oprah buys Rhode Island and turns it into a gay theme park.
Gov. Jerry Brown promises to focus less on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the long- term parking shuttle that is California.
The Airline Industry attempts to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: passengers.
The 112th Congress resolves not to fall prey to the same mistakes the 111th Congress made by actually accomplishing anything.
Pope Benedict XVI undergoes Lasik surgery to repair the Catholic Church's hindsight.
The state of South Dakota sells Mount Rushmore to Fox News, who re-carves the monument to resemble Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Mike Huckabee and Bill O'Reilly. Brit Hume and Chris Wallace leave the network in a huff. Carl Cameron chuckles.
Jimmy McMillan disbands "The Rent is Too Damn High" Party after subletting a rent stabilized co-op in TriBeCa.
Julian Assange demonstrates his total commitment to a "no secrets" philosophy by leaking the damning testimony that leads to his own conviction.
Steve Jobs introduces the iPud for male Baby Boomer retirees.
Nancy Pelosi does not rest until she earns a colorful nickname like "Slappy."
Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell does not rest until the hole in the back of his neck is enlarged to accommodate Grover Norquist's hand.
Officials at the Tour de France throw up their arms and invite cyclists to take whatever performance enhancing drugs they want.
New York Sen. Chuck Schumer becomes the go-to guy in the Democratic Caucus after it is discovered Harry Reid died years ago.
May your 2011 be twice as good as 2010 and only half as wonderfully exciting as 2012.
- The columns of San Francisco-based political comedian Will Durst are distributed by Cagle Cartoons Inc. (firstname.lastname@example.org).