Adultery goes high-tech



Danny Tyree

Cheaters never prosper - but facilitators of cheaters laugh all the way to the bank.

I hesitated to write about this week’s topic, because I didn’t want to provide free publicity - but since the subject has already been publicized via “Dr. Phil,” “The View” and “Time” magazine…

I’m speaking of Ashley Madison - the Canadian-based online dating service and social networking service (launched in 2001), marketed to people who are already in a relationship (i.e. people who want to cheat on their spouse or steady boyfriend/girlfriend).

Singapore has banned the website. A disgruntled former employee is suing because she allegedly injured herself while writing 1,000 bogus member profiles over a three-week period.

Ashley Madison boasts of having more than 23 million members in 30 countries. In other words, they are chosen by a bazillion people who admit that they have a propensity for making choices they regret.

The Ashley Madison “Frequently Asked Questions Page” contains fine print disclaimers about seeking marital counseling, exercising caution around strangers and avoiding STDs; but the succinct company slogan (“Life is short. Have an affair”) is conspicuously ASTERISK-FREE.

Life is short? Some of my more puritanical friends would add “But the afterlife drags on like a son of a gun!”

Although the Huffington Post cites statistics that two-thirds of adulterers wouldn’t cheat without the help of the Internet, Ashley Madison takes the stance of “Aw shucks, we’re just doing the jobs self-respecting friends and relatives wouldn’t do.”

Ashley Madison hammers home the point that it is just a platform and that it can’t FORCE anyone to commit adultery. It serves as an inspiration to knife-wielding robbers everywhere. (“Hey, I didn’t hold a GUN to their heads!”)

Pardon my skepticism about the company’s passivity and altruism, but most of us don’t try buying a Super Bowl ad (NBC turned Ashley Madison down in 2009) just to deliver an ambiguous “Hey, I’m here for you, buddy.”

Inevitably, some incensed Ashley Madison client will write to assure me that I just don’t understand their situation, that the grass really is greener, that they’re going to live happily ever after, yada yada yada. I apologize in advance. Just because they lie to their Significant Other, surely they wouldn’t lie to a syndicated columnist (or themselves).

You have to love the logic of these infidelity addicts. They don’t have the guts to break up or seek therapy, but they’ll be the first to criticize a politician for being a fence-straddling coward!

“My spouse doesn’t understand me,” they’ll whine. Uh, maybe…but when the fast-food drive-thru clerk doesn’t understand you, you rephrase your order, articulate better or walk into the restaurant. You DON’T automatically jump the bones of the fry cook to satisfy your needs.

One can understand the high expectations of people who are tempted to stray. Although their wittiness, clothing, job and daily routine aren’t mind-blowing, the Magna Carta guarantees that their MARRIAGE will be mind-blowing.

Yes, millions can sleep peacefully tonight because of the Ashley Madison promise (and I’m paraphrasing here): “We vow before God and man that we will never betray your trust or divulge your private information - unless we drift apart or the kids grow up or an inquisitive NSA agent looks too smokin’ HOT!”

Good night, moon. Good night, sucker.

‑ Danny Tyree’s “Tyree’s Tyrades” columnas are distributed by Cagle Cartoons, Inc.


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