Be still, your beating hearts. As we exultantly find ourselves in this festive place once again. The most wonderful time of the year. When squealing children race home from school to check and recheck their favorite news websites. Husbands and wives fight for possession of the living room tablet. Grandparents double up on their meds. Relax, everybody. It’s finally here.
Yes, you may consider the Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013 officially released.
Some years make it darn near impossible from which to strain a few meager laughs. As amusing as a broken crutch on the edge of a toxic waste dump. But enough about Detroit.
Because in terms of funny comedy humor, this year was lush and fecund like a tropical rain forest. Horsemeat discovered to be a major component of IKEA’s meatballs. And the teachable moment here could be not to look to Swedish furniture manufacturers for our nutritional needs.
It is pivotal to understand that the Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2013 are in no way to be confused with the Top 10 Legitimate News Stories of 2013. No. No. No. They are as different as soy beans and lug nuts. Bluetooth and dental floss. Palm fronds and those weird, cone-shaped collars that dogs wear to keep from chewing their butts.
These are the stories and events of the year thus far, that most lent themselves to mocking and scoffing and taunting, as determined by the executive council of the Comics, Clowns, Jesters & Satirists Union. Which, as you probably have already guessed, is… me.
Number 10) The president becomes a lame duck four months into his second term. Beyond lame duck. More of a quadriplegic platypus. Barack Obama Leadership Skills. Like saying Fukushima sushi. Paula Deen at the Apollo.
9) Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner attempts a comeback. And he proves once again that his name is also the source of most of his problems.
8) Pope Francis turns out to be a liberal Democrat while Pope Benedict stays busy updating his Christian Mingle profile.
7) To escape government persecution, world class leaker Edward Snowden runs first to China and then to Russia. Which is like joining the army because “you’re tired of people telling you what to do.”
6) Ted Cruz rallies fellow Tea Partiers by reading “Green Eggs and Ham” on the floor of the Senate, then misinterprets the moral of a book aimed at kindergarteners.
5) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits using crack during one of his “drunken stupors.” Yes, plural. Subsequently sees his approval rating shoot up 5 points. Not saying Obama should replicate this strategy, but if the big, fat shoe fits…
4) Spying revelations shock America. Turns out the only way to keep the NSA from following our every move is by becoming one of their employees.
3) Dennis Rodman becomes a roving ambassador. Ambassador Worm. What’s next? Mike Tyson, Poet Laureate. Kim Kardashian, Molecular Chemistry Consultant. Tim Tebow, NFL QB.
2) Government shutdown. America comes excruciatingly close to defaulting. Again. And you know what happens then. We have to move back in with Britain.
1) Affordable Care Act website debacle. Most people decide it would be easier to let the NSA handle the whole thing. After all, they have all our information and probably know which plan best fits.
‑ Will Durst’s “Raging Moderate” columns are distributed by Cagle Cartoons, Inc. (firstname.lastname@example.org).